A dinner with a past...and a wish for everyones love and peace!

Tonite is Christmas eve. Me and the boys came back two hours ago from an all you can eat dinner with their dad. There is a haunting feeling of reality that we are both parents to these older teens and that we ourselves are in the midst  of our lives.
I have no feeling of anxiousness or avoidance...it's just a natural thing to do ( i felt) though he has remarried for more than 7 year now. I had a glimpse of what we could have been. The night was fun, light and most of all tummy filling with all those delish food.We talked about our dear concern of Eddi's very unique take in life...and Eddo's growing needs. I talked about my sisters, my brother and my two sons back home. He just nods or smiles and ask little questions but he seems interested. It was like an old friend i have not seen or talked with for a long time. He took so many pictures with the boys and me...just him and me. I don't feel awkward as I am so used to taking pictures of myself with anybody. I just realize he really is taking photos over and over again...he said too that in the future  the boys has something to look back how we all look like at this time.
I posed and smiled and got along. I am sure my boys appreciated my being so easy to talk with and understanding of whatever situation there is. It is a good Christmas eve.I wish all of us will always have days like this...with laughter, acceptance, forgiveness and sheer full joy shared.

Hope everyone sleeps tight and prayed so that Christmas will be an easier and happier day again for everyone.Have A very kind and MERRY one!

Learning and Moving forward...

Sometimes memories of my mothering in their much younger days...haunts me. Did I do okay or did I messed up my kids confidence and belief? Did I gave enough or nothing much at all?
I do my scrutiny now that they all grew up bigger than me. I look at them and see myself when I was their age full of hope, happiness and energy. My mid-age has declined most of those feelings. I knew no more what to say in confidence when they seemed to know more and educated far more than me. I am now more concern of their past and what i can do to release the anguish of my thoughtless gestures that they may remember. Does spanking counts for that? Maybe. Does leaving them for a an exciting opportunity made me a bad mom? Or was i reaching my mid life crisis and thinks I had done my kids terrible wrongdoing that it makes me so guilty and weak of distaste for such selfishness?
Why do I have to have four boys and be  separated from them. Life is not that sweet...the separation and distance seems to be so natural to me and yet it shouldn't be? Such wall and numbness helped me thrive and live for the moment I was given to raise them and myself in maturity on a solitary, unconventional and sad modern way I am thrown into. No excuse indeed, my brain is watching my thoughts and deeds  generating and reacting to what comes to reality. I am so incredibly tired yet not surrendering to the many ill-faceted side of mothering, nurturing and ageing.Full of questions and doubts, full of remorse and tears...yet I am full of hope and belief, faith and joy that calms my nerves and lulls my heart to peace and patience for the sake of all of us.

I am at a loss for trying to amend with my conscience ...or was I?
I don't know ...it's hard to admit I have failed in somethings that was just under my nose and might have been easier to fix only if I had opened my eyes and heart freely long before it became a real distance, loss cost and empty laughter. I was not proud of those bad decisions...and i am truly sorry.

I am not dwelling from it to fix anything . I more into accepting and acknowledging my weakness and failures.
I am uneducated in the college of life yet I learned my way up to dearly thread on the path of genuine affection, passion and loyalty to what is truly important to me. That, my dear, is something I love to do more and rise above the past that entangled me from really moving forward.

Woodbine racetrack and walk from the mall

Summer Vacation