Sunday, 30 November 2008

A day of frustration and loneliness...


Today was a pretty messy day for me. I mean emotionally. I wasn't feeling well. Eddo and Eddi's attitude did not help at all.

I was not able to go to church and my friends invitation because of of the dizziness and light headed am feeling. Just like most mother will do, I did not let that stop me from doing my laundry duties and some cooking.

I asked my kids to fold the laundry and yet they still continue to play
their video games...which is about 3-4 hours by then. I got so upset and feeling more sick because of their attitude of refusal and still playing as they wish.

I cried and cried and cried in my bedroom and started to feel this incredible loneliness. I have been taking care of them by myself for 10 yrs now. I felt like I have been taking care of many people and many things and nobody love and want to take care of me. I was feeling so down and tired and just surrendered. I am so frustrated ,I felt like I am such a bad mother and that they did not learn anything good from me.

Am I being dramatic? Am I just exaggerating? Am I just depressed? Maybe a mix of all and more. I just want to be loved and cared for, for once. I have been working in service industry and I serve and serve and serve at work ,with family and others. I needed to feel reciprocated, appreciated and love. I cried so much and I was heaving with loneliness.

That was 4 hours ago. I feel better now but my loneliness is still in my heart. My kids will grow and love me again. For now they hate me for being mom. They must learn and realize that growing up means taking and having more responsibility in life. It is taking care of themselves for themselves and being more helpful,useful and flexible in getting into sharing the chores at home.

This road is making me weary in my journey but this road is the only road I shall and can take for now to be more stronger and hopefully better parent and partner for my boys well being.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

My Pet Peeves with Canadian Government



There was a show tonite that i just watch...about criminals coming in here in Canada with many cases and yet still able to be a Canadian Citizen with all his fraud papers. That is where my anger lies. This country won't allow my kids to be here just because of no mention in their names in my application coming here. They should have been here with me as a tax paying Canadian Citizen with no Criminal records or intent as well as my kids having good and clean records have not been allowed(REJECTED) to come here and be with me. I am hurting until now and I am suffering of this government decisions that they can not be here as I am not their mother in those papers.

How come they are allowing criminals, gangs and politician who have harmed their people in their country come here and become Canadians? How come they denied me of my right to be with my kids here in in this country which I now call home for 10 years? How come I felt stabbed by the same country I thought I should feel so grateful for?

This is where i based some of my belief that life is unfair and it can suck big time. Some people makes a decision that will alter the lives of like us who waits for their ,hopefully, fair and justified
view that a Canadian Citizen can have their real family migrate here. I can't dwell in the past but this is my present and it's hard for me to be reminded everyday that my kids are back home not because I can't have them here but because "they" won't have them approved to come and be with their mother and brothers.

Christian's Dog Bites and my distance





I was so upset and worried and when I learned about my son's dog bites.He is in need of many anti rabies injection and I am praying for his strenght and safe recovery.
It was one of those things I have to be burdened and feel so useless because of my distance with them. I am not allowing myself to celebrate and be so joyful when my son is in medical need. I learned about it a at about 2am on halloween day. I did not tell this to Eddo and Eddi so as not to upset them too on the day there is supposed to be so much fun for them. When we finished trick or treating that night only did I told them in between my crying about the demise of my dog Brighty and their brothers emergency. They were sad yet trying to cheer me up. Eddo just wanted their brother to be here. I just wanted them alright...in their life.

Characters I wish and Hope My Kids will Instill




Character Quote

A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.
-- Dale Carnegie



Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
-- Helen Keller



Character contributes to beauty. It fortifies a woman as her youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude, and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful.
-- Author Unknown



Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught.
-- J. C. Watts



Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual and of nations alike.
-- Theodore Roosevelt



Character is simply habit long continued.
-- Plutarch



Character - the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life - is the source from which self respect springs.
-- Joan Didion



Character isn't something you were born with and can't change, like your fingerprints. It's something you weren't born with and must take responsibility for forming.
-- Jim Rohn



Character, not circumstance, makes the person.
-- Booker T. Washington



I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.
-- Rita Mero



No change of circumstances can repair a defect of character.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson



Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands
-- Anne Frank



People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson



People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt



Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.
-- Elmer G. Letterman



Sow a thought, and you reap an act; Sow an act, and you reap a habit; Sow a habit, and you reap a character; Sow a character, and you reap a destiny.
-- Charles Reade



Talents are best nurtured in solitude, but character is best formed in the stormy billows of the world.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe



The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back.
-- Abigail Van Buren



The depth and strength of a human character are defined by its moral reserves. People reveal themselves completely only when they are thrown out of the customary conditions of their life, for only then do they have to fall back on their reserves.
-- Leonardo da Vinci



The farther behind I leave the past, the closer I am to forging my own character.
-- Isabelle Eberhardt



The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.
-- Thomas Babington Macaulay



The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do.
-- John W. Holt, Jr.



The way a man plays a game shows some of his character. The way he loses shows all of it.
-- Author Unknown



Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
-- Author Unknown



You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe



You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one.
-- James A. Froude


****-------******-------**
**------*****-----*****-----*****----*****

Take it..prin it...put it in your wall...and be reminded everyday that having a solid character is same as experiencing mostly being out of trouble, out of debt,out of misery and out of agony.
Helen