Learning and Moving forward...

Sometimes memories of my mothering in their much younger days...haunts me. Did I do okay or did I messed up my kids confidence and belief? Did I gave enough or nothing much at all?
I do my scrutiny now that they all grew up bigger than me. I look at them and see myself when I was their age full of hope, happiness and energy. My mid-age has declined most of those feelings. I knew no more what to say in confidence when they seemed to know more and educated far more than me. I am now more concern of their past and what i can do to release the anguish of my thoughtless gestures that they may remember. Does spanking counts for that? Maybe. Does leaving them for a an exciting opportunity made me a bad mom? Or was i reaching my mid life crisis and thinks I had done my kids terrible wrongdoing that it makes me so guilty and weak of distaste for such selfishness?
Why do I have to have four boys and be  separated from them. Life is not that sweet...the separation and distance seems to be so natural to me and yet it shouldn't be? Such wall and numbness helped me thrive and live for the moment I was given to raise them and myself in maturity on a solitary, unconventional and sad modern way I am thrown into. No excuse indeed, my brain is watching my thoughts and deeds  generating and reacting to what comes to reality. I am so incredibly tired yet not surrendering to the many ill-faceted side of mothering, nurturing and ageing.Full of questions and doubts, full of remorse and tears...yet I am full of hope and belief, faith and joy that calms my nerves and lulls my heart to peace and patience for the sake of all of us.

I am at a loss for trying to amend with my conscience ...or was I?
I don't know ...it's hard to admit I have failed in somethings that was just under my nose and might have been easier to fix only if I had opened my eyes and heart freely long before it became a real distance, loss cost and empty laughter. I was not proud of those bad decisions...and i am truly sorry.

I am not dwelling from it to fix anything . I more into accepting and acknowledging my weakness and failures.
I am uneducated in the college of life yet I learned my way up to dearly thread on the path of genuine affection, passion and loyalty to what is truly important to me. That, my dear, is something I love to do more and rise above the past that entangled me from really moving forward.